Other potential happy birthday songs

both of which circumvent the rhyming problem I had on my actual birthday.


One from the brother:
Happy birthday to me
I have a belly
I am very smelly
and I like to eat jelly.

And one from Y:
Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You wanted a monkey
and I got you one too.

Y is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK I suspect that says it all.

But we will supplement the "all" with a few of Y's gems:

"I am going to create a machine that runs on ice cream and something else. I will call it 'man.'"

"Of all the halachically questionable things you do, this one is probably the least problematic."

(Second quote slightly paraphrased to capture the appropriate gist.)

Happy Birthday to me

I live in a zoo, I smell like a monkey, and I look like one too.

Damn that doesn't rhyme so well when I sing it to myself.

Anyway, I am now celebrating yet another birthday, which once again falls out during the nine days. In fact, I suspect that my birthday falls out during the nine days every year, except remarkably for the year in which I was born. This phenomenon prompted the inevitable question (from me or Y, I forgot which): Do you think my parents lied to me about my Hebrew birthday???

Briefly serious thought

OK I am going to attempt to use this blog not only for my own amusement but also to publicize something useful to the people who check it:

I went to this self-defense class for women given at the shul tonight, and I highly HIGHLY recommend that every female take a similar self-defense class. It introduced ideas of self-defense against sexual violence (primarily, although other forms of violence were briefly addressed).

If you think that nothing bad is ever going to happen to you, hopefully you're right, but you're also a little delusional.

If you think that sexual violence doesn't happen in the frum community, you are wrong.

Learning self-defense is a very important way to protect yourself against sexual violence.

Check out this website: www.cae-bklyn.org to find out how to enroll in a self-defense class.

Not to be picky or anything

...but this has actually been bothering me all day.

There is a definite lack of parallelism in Y's previous statement. It either has to be, "Going to the beach during the 9 days is like EATING frozen cookies" OR

"The beach is like frozen cookies."

Going to the beach cannot be like cookies of any sort, even if they're fake rugelach. Take it from the person who actually goes to the beach, not the non-swimming engineer extraordinaire whose english skills appear to be a bit lacking.

Y says

"Going to the beach during the 9 days is like frozen cookies."

Y says it AWESOMEST

"If you discovered the origin of life, does that mean we can create a pet in the lab? Mix in a little bit of this, a little bit of that, beat on high, put in the oven for thirty minutes, and then DING! Monkey!!"
My response: Do you mean monkey brains?
Y: Well I hope our monkey has brains. We wouldn't want a stupid pet.

OK, side note: As I type this, Y is running around his basement apartment acting like a monkey and making lots of strange noises.

Do you think I should be concerned?

Y comes home soon!!!

But in the interim, we're still webcam-ing until the middle of the night, (my night that is), which leaves me generally cranky and irritable during the day.

Yes, this is the only reason that I am cranky and irritable. Were it not for this, I would be sunny and cheerful and relaxed, as is my natural state of existence.

Also because I seem to have discovered something brilliant in the lab, and my reward for this discovery, you would think, should be something like vacation! or a PhD!

But alas, my reward is simply that I must work harder.

Anyway, Y's thought of the day (or yesterday, or two days ago) - back on the idea of Siamese twins - this time I sent him four "hug" icons, to which he responded: I don't think they're ALL attached at the butt. I imagine that would be highly uncomfortable.

Editorial note (added in proof) (previous parentheses actually made no sense in this context, but it's the sort of thing that my boss keeps thinking we are going to do with my publication): Unless, of course, they have a very big butt.

Random thoughts

So I was talking to my mother, and I mentioned that I think the most important thing that people can do with their lives is raising children.

Her response: You mean the most important thing that I've done with my life is raising you? Woe is to me.

Also, I've decided that it is extremely funny that Y is blond (Y's response when I told him this: What exactly is funny about this?) so therefore I am going to dye his hair a different color, one hair at a time, and see if he notices.

I am now putting this up to a popular vote: what color should I dye Y's hair??

Y's theory of siamese twins

OK so we were looking at the skype "hug" icon, which is a bear that hugs itself. We were looking at two of them, and had the following extremely hilarious conversation:

Y: Do you think they're related?
M: I think they are identical, siamese twins.

But then I pointed out that they were unlikely to be siamese twins, seeing as they were separated.

Y responded, "How do you know? Maybe we are just looking at them from two different angles. Maybe they are connected by the butt."

Editorial note: No further comment required.

And still more (storing up for when I come back from this great city)

The world according to Y: "The plural of moose is meese."

More from Y

Apparently I misrepresented one of Y's brilliant ideas (that's an idea, not an insight, not whatever else I initially called it). The children's beauty show is going to have several parts, only one part of which is the cross dressing toddlers. The other part will be adults with teh maturity level of a two year old cross-dressing. Experts on this type of cross dressing are also encouraged to apply.

Y says it funniest half-asleep

Y says, "I have a million minutes, or miles, of stamina."

Editorial note 1: Huh?
Editorial note 2: I wasn't asking for a million minutes of stamina, just three hours worth (you can figure out how many minutes that is).
Editorial note 3: Is anyone actually reading this blog?
Editorial note 4: If anyone who is reading this blog can figure out how to put a tracker on the page so we can see how many people are reading, please let me know.

Y goes crazy

OK, so there we are in the fine city of Portland, Oregon, listening to a dvar torah at seudah shlishit, and the kollel rabbi is giving a dvar torah about free love, and Y screams out, "I wholeheartedly agree!" OK, that's not exactly how it happened. Let's try again.

There we are in Portland, Oregon, davening, and all of a sudden Y rips off his black suit jacket and hat, revealing a tie-dyed T-shirt and bandanna around his head.

Shoot, nope, off track.

There we are in Portland, Oregon, and the rabbi is giving a dvar torah about peace, and Y says, "Make love, not war." He is very quick to point out, of course, that this is not a Jewish value.

Instead, Y has developed a brilliant Torah insight: What happened in Pinchas? Essentially, they were making love, and he killed them, and then he brought peace. Therefore, we can see from here that "make love, not war" is exactly counter to Jewish values.

This type of Torah insight, brought to you from the ex-hippie town of Chickenstock, has given rise to Y's nickname of "Shomer Negiah Y."

This is what I have to say about Y's religious opinions: (the rest of this paragraph has been edited due to inappropriate content. Also due to excessive frustration. Just kidding. I'm the most supportive girlfriend.)

In other brilliant ideas brought to you by Y, he is going to start a fashion show of all two year old boys who have not yet had their hair cut. We are seeking expert judges, that is, people with previous experience in judging cross-dressing Orthodox Jewish two year olds. Anyone and everyone is encouraged to apply.

And seeing as I'm the one typing all this, I will include one of my own brilliant one-liners: Whatever sinks your ship. (Huh? What in the world does that mean??)

Editorial note: Ok, this is the last time I let Y see a post before I publish it. As he says, there's no reason why the rest of the world can't see it before he does. Also then I don't have to deal with his annoying comments. Also who wants to deal with annoying Y?

body carving

Y says, "Mad M, the butcher of washington heights, stalks her next victim."

I suspect this is an excellent and highly lucrative alternative career, which is one up on Y's alternative career of professional juggling.

Flawless logic if I ever heard.

Thoughts from shabbos

Many thanks to my wonderful grandmother for suggesting a song for me to walk down to at favoritest's wedding, "Anything you can do I can do better." This beats out all the leading contenders, including "Rubber Duckie" (my personal favorite).

In other news, check out the NYTimes article on webcams for the soldiers in Iraq - which is kind of exactly what Y adn I have been doing - even though he's not in Iraq - same idea.

and in still more news, I have been busy collecting promises for chocolate cake for Y from all corners of the earth. This is most excellent news for Y (and me, because I can just eat all the cakes and not even tell Y about it).

And I say it equally strange

"If you die, then you'll be dead."

Y says it strangest (must be the Portland air)

Y says, "While I am a descendant of Jesus, I do not know if my powers extend to turning water into wine."

Temporary life without Y

So you know how accused people have the right to a lawyer before they are required to speak? In a similar vein, I was thinking that maybe I would refuse to speak without Y being present. Kind of like I need Y to figure out how to respond to people and what to say.

Y, however, advised against this plan. Incidentally, he also told me that I looked like I was wearing a garbage bag. (No, that was not exaggerated for literary license, he really did say those words).

When I recounted this exchange to M, who hates her nickname, and thought I was dumb, the following conversation ensued:

M: It's too bad you can't think without Y being back.
Me: Does that mean that I need Y to be able to think?
M: That's what I'm saying.
Me: Do you really think so?
M: I didn't, until you opened your mouth with that brilliant idea.

In other news, Y is apparently in deep trouble for allowing me to pay for things on our dates. He is being held hostage in a far away place (coincidentally very close to a major company) (and to a really bad basketball team). I would graciously agree to pay ransom, but seeing as I am no longer permitted to pay for things that relate to the two of us, I must regretfully refuse.

Totally not related to Y

Although if Y were to pick out a song for me, I would not have to resort to the public at large to find one. Anyway, favoritest's wedding is approaching fast, and I need a song to walk down to.

Leading contenders are Q's, "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me" or M's "Bye bye love." Other suggestions, or a vote on these suggestions, would be much appreciated.

In other news, the battle between Y and favoritest (which exists only in my imagination) has been fought and settled. Let the victor celebrate his well-earned victory. Favoritest, you owe Y your first born son.

OK I guess this post was related to Y after all.

Y's new car

OK so, Y's getting a new car at the end of the summer, and he has entrusted me with the very important task of picking out a car for him (some parts of that sentence may have been exaggerated for literary value). My current leaning is towards a yellow pickup truck, which he has rejected, or towards painting his Honda Accord bright red with a white racing stripe. Any other suggestions will be greatly appreciated at this time.

Y says it funniest

Although for some reason, he still remains unwilling to write it funniest, leaving me to paraphrase his humor and share it with the rest of the world.

Today's highlight (so far, the day is still young, and there is lots more time for him to say dumb things):

"How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: None, she asks a Princeton student to do it for her."

My disclaimer: I'm not as dumb as I look. I really thought these things just twisted off. OK, maybe I should have paid more attention to the three screws, but whatever. It was dark.

Welcome

OK, so I decided that there is no reason that I should be the only one privy to Y's highly amusing thoughts and ideas about life. Also also, there's no reason my thoughts should only be shared with him. There is nothing I would say to him that I can't share with, um, the entire world (or whomever is reading this blog).

Today's thought, (or an older, funnier thought) brought to you by Y:

"I am a descendant of Jesus."

Yes, he really did say that, any of you who thought that he was, um, boring, you were wrong.